Measuring Up: How Culture’s Obsession With Porn-Sized Penises Hurts Men
THIS ARTICLE IS NOT WRITTEN BY DAMASCUSIAN; I REPEAT; NOT WRITTEN BY THE DAMASCUSIAN.
This article was originally published on Alternet, and republished here because it is exactly what the Damascusian would write if he has resources to write such an article.
American culture sends men and boys harmful messages about the penis, which can lead to terribly skewed — and harmful — expectations.
In 2008, New York Magazine reported on a small group of men sitting in a bleak room on 13th street, commiserating, offering support, and trying to come up with something other than “small penis” to describe their “affliction”:
“We’ve been throwing around other names,” says John Miller, a stocky man with a therapeutic manner. “People have suggested firecracker or sparkplug as words with positive connotations.”
While New York Magazine ostensibly covered this “Small Penis Support Group” as an esoteric joke, the sentiment behind the group isn’t so rare. A small penis support forum, Measuerection.com, boasts over 10,000 members. A user named “Nubdick” sums up the movement: “I’ve been ridiculed and made fun of by women so much that I’ve pretty much given up. It doesn’t help that the media is constantly barraging us with ‘Size DOES matter’ — from music to TV shows and movies, even advertising.”
Then there’s a porn-world where every man is over 8 inches. In the phenomenon of monster-cock porn, in which guys (wearing realistic sheaths) give the illusion that a penis can rest on your heart. And let’s not forget the e-mail spam that tells my vacant hotmail account, “Rachel, she knows you aren’t big enough.” Or the rigid male gender roles that prize stoicism, that discourage talk of emotions or inadequacies.
In small penis support groups, there are a number of men who aren’t actually small but just feel like they are. And time and time again on the forums, standard sized men say they are going under the knife for penis enlargement surgery–a practice that is described as “experimental at best” by the American Urology Association. A study by researchers at St. Peter’s Andrology Center and Institute of Urology in London followed 42 men undergoing this procedure. Researchers found that most of them had “normal” sized penises–and after the procedure, only 35 percent were satisfied with the results.
American culture sends a message about the penis that is confused, at best. In the wake of Rep. Anthony Weiner’s dick-pic scandal, the theme that “wangs are ugly” spattered the Internet, the media (wrongly) assuming that’s just how most women feel. The Washington Post even ran a sweeping op-ed in which writer Monica Hesse mused, all too predictably: “How about a picture of you, sweaty, cleaning out the storm drain? So sexy!” And before all this, the first big laugh in this summer’s blockbuster Bridesmaids comes from the two main characters joking that penises are ugly and look angry.
So it seems like in American mainstream culture, “wangs are ugly,” but unlike the Greeks who dealt with penis anxiety by preferring petite genitals, we want ours super-sized anyway. Last year, a “kiss and tell all” account of how Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino had a “small penis” was passed around the Internet with zeal. Penis shaming, it seems, is culturally acceptable. Our mash-up mantra seems to be: wangs are ugly but we, as the ’90s club-hit chimes, “don’t want no short dick man.”
What we know about the average penis size in America, adds up to–sorry–dick. The size statistics we’ve been relying on–those of Kinsey or a widely used Lifestyle survey–asked men to measure themselves and self report their size, which unsurprisingly seems to only leave room for flubbing upward in inches. There is also the question of where to measure from, and erect or non-erect? Stretching the penis? All this considered, the most widely reported stats confirm average penis size falling somewhere between 5-6 inches.
Along with the pressure to be “well endowed” is more policing of Western male beauty in general. The Calvin Klein ad staring down on men on the bus conveys the message that desirable men are hairless with perfectly formed abs, a great haircut, and a bulge in the pants. Not to mention he has to spend $40 on underwear.
According to Mark Simpson, a UK journalist and author who coined the term “metrosexual,” this pressure begins with porn: “Young men grow up watching almost infinite amounts of online porn in which the ‘star’ of the show is a large penis. And porn is really just the hardcore version of the increasingly visual culture that we’re now immersed in.”
Further, the popularity of hyper-realistic “amateur” porn presents a further conundrum (via GirlFriend videos or “college” style porn that gained popularity with sites like Dare Dorm). This porn promises “real men”…who all just happen to have porn-size cocks. Boys are inundated with unhealthy images about size, without decent sex ed to counter these pernicious messages. They are rarely told how little size has to do with actual sexual pleasure.
As sex-positive feminism has spread across American culture, more women then ever are owning their desires. That’s great, but at times this has a dark side, as many women are increasingly also turning the tables to objectify men, from the universal girl-culture anthem in Salt n’ Pepa’s rapping (“You’re a shotgun — bang! What’s up with that thang? I wanna know how does it hang?”) to a party for a new lady porn magazine I attended last weekend, where guys showed their dicks to get in the door. Later they were judged (by a bevy of straight females) in a “wet dick contest.”
According to Simpson: “Women are now much more demanding, more critical, and more fetishistic about their male partners than they were in the past. They’re still nothing like as critical as say gay men, but much more than, say their mothers. Women are now much more likely to expect the male body to offer them pleasure, physical and visual.”
Race adds a whole other galaxy of issues and expectations of penis size. The pressure to “measure up” also presents itself uniquely in black culture. The wives-tale we’ve all heard about penises is that 1) shoe size correlates; and 2) black men have the biggest pair to fill.
Studies have shown again and again that the race myth is not true, even revisited recently by Drs. Kevan Wylie and Ian Eardley, who set out to debunk penis myths. Yet according to a survey by Trojan, black men account for 22 percent of all condom purchases, and 40 percent of Magnum purchases, the brand’s “XXL” size condom. It sheds new light on female rapper Remy Ma’s line: “If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a baggy Magnum.” A post from a woman on the forum ManandWife.tv extrapolates:
“Why does every black man think they can wear Magnum Condoms? They have them up on their walls as memorabilia. They pull them out at clubs thinking broads are going to jump for joy…why?”
One response reads: “I had sex with a friend.. and wondered what was going on with him putting on the condom…after he finally got it right he was holding it the whole time during sex…I look at the floor and see an empty Magnum wrapper! He was far from needing a Magnum! Women, we are partly responsible, sometimes blow our men up when it’s less than perfect.”
In their study, Wylie and Eardley discovered that 12 percent of men thought their penises were too small. This has been called “locker room syndrome” or penile dysmorphic disorder. Wylie and Eardley calculate that an actual micropenis is 2.75 inches or less erect. But many men seem to remain deluded, and perhaps for good reason–Google brings up several stats for micropenises and Wiki lists micropenises as 2.5 inches smaller than average–but which average?
If the subject lines in your spam folder didn’t tip you off — “My 8-year-old brother has one like that!”–penis enlargement is big business. There are endless amounts of pills, creams and pumps that all promise to “add inches.” Not only do these items not work, according to the American Urological Association (AUA), many of them are dangerous. According to research from the University of Maryland, creams and pills have been reported to contain harmful mold, yeast, E. colibacteria, pesticides, andlead. They also contain high amounts of feces–which Dr. Michael Donnenberg guesses are from raccoons and other animals “possibly grazing near the plants harvested for herbal ingredients.”
But the Boston Phoenix reported that phalloplasty (surgical enlargement) is “the next big thing”–the dick job as the new boob job. The AUA, the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery and the American Society of Plastic Surgeons all have policy statements against cosmetic phalloplasty, but there remain a number of plastic surgeons willing to cut ligaments or inject penises with fat or silicone– as long as the men are willing to shell out money. And as post after post on the Measurection forum shows, there are men hopping on surgery of “normal” size.
Measurection originally began as a phalloplasty support forum, but expanded as many members began to experience post-surgical complications. The founder of Measurection, John LaTreen, issued a statement about this:
“Because of financial motives, many of the surgeons have… painted pictures of maximal result and minimal risk. Unlike other cosmetic procedures, it appears there has been no standardization of procedures we have come to classify as “phalloplastic.” Each surgeon goes off on his own as a total “wild card” doing what he or she feels works. Other cosmetic procedures are taught in the medical schools and teaching hospitals. Phalloplasty has not reached that point… The only surgeon now listed here is Gary Alter in Beverly Hills, California. Alter does not do girth enhancement, is critical of and does not do even lengthening on all men… He is here simply because he does do “reconstruction” of those who have been badly ‘butchered.’”
Penis enlargement surgery remains controversial, but if a safer surgery emerged, the dick job might be the next boob job; the self esteem issues guys have wrapped up in their briefs seem plentiful compared to those in our water-bras. My hope is that by the time this surgery would become accessible, so would the conversations around penis size and sexual pleasure. Sex positive activists are working toward a multi-faceted sex education, which teaches that sex is so much more than penis in vagina penetration–that sexual pleasure is not restricted to, or often even related to penis size. Studies show, too, that most women don’t orgasm from PIV penetration alone. But maddeningly, penis shaming seems cemented in pop culture, whether it’s the assertion that small ones are laughable or that all penises are ugly.
Throughout time there have been different cultural attitudes toward the penis. Penises have long had their place in art, folk stories and ceremonies, like the mythical Kokopelli, who before being emblazoned on U.S. Southwestern tourist tees wielded a large penis–not a flute. Or in the Hindu Shiva Lingam ceremony where milk and yogurt are poured over phalluses. Some say penis obsession is a part of human nature. Some evolutionary biologists theorize that evolution has selected for larger, bendier human penises, which can better scoop out the sperm of competitors, or implant sperm more deeply into a vagina.
But humans are more than the sum of our biology. And the way we talk about men’s bodies and penises is socially settled. In the feminist realm of arguments about body image and unreal media representations of women, the answer often is: show us a wider range of bodies. That’s a great first step. But why not also address that real sexual pleasure and function can exist outside of fantasy? In this case, outside of the symbol of the penis.
How to die fast in horror movies.
Now hear me out. I’m not suicidal by any measure, but I have been sitting home for the last two weeks with nothing to do but to watch a horror movie after the other; staying home with nothing to do leads, naturally, to a number of things, among them is the simple case of boredom; thus, I’m writing this blog post about how to die fast in horror movies.
This blog post is aiming, naturally, to the people who are like me; who are not a white heterosexual man with black hair and a mysterious past or a white heterosexual virgin woman who keeps herself for the hero of the movie. For all of those who are not white, not heterosexual, not virgins and not heroes by nature, our characters usually die a horrible and unmatchable death during the movie; so, based on this analysis; and given the fact that we are doomed regardless of what we do; I suggest we try our best to die a fast and peaceful death. Here are some rules you need to know if you want to accomplish this mission:
1. Firstly, drink, do drugs and never whatsoever stay a virgin: the ones who happen to enjoy their lives a bit too much ends up the first to die in horror movies; so you want yourself a ticket on that train; right?
2. Whenever you’re leaving the group; which is something you should do quite often; say that you’ll be right back; those who say that usually never comes back.
3. If you heard a suspicious noise coming from a dark and dangerous room in whatever haunted house you’re in; go check it out; of course, it’s obvious that you should not bring a gun, a battery or a candle with you. You most probably will never come back.
4. If you’re running from the monster (whichever monster that may be; a ghost, a serial killer, a man with leatherface, the boogieman, etc.), expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you. So, you don’t really need to worry about this; the monster is going to catch you regardless.
5. Big breasts and blonde hair are a death-wish: book your appointment in the beauty clinic gurl; it is worth it.
6. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason. Pick around each and every house; especially the church; monsters, for some reason, happens to enjoy taking over deserted churches.
7. As a general rule, if you came across a puzzle that opens a portal to hell; be the one who solve it; simply because it means you’ll be the first to go.
8. If it happens and you found a book titled in a foreign language; most probably it’s a demon summoning book; be the first to read it aloud; notice that you would either be the first to go; or you would be haunted by the demon; both of which are amazing options.
9. Do not question the history of your house; regardless of its location; whither it was built upon or near a cemetery that was once a church that was used for black magic with an upside down cross. Notice that if the previous inhabitants of your house went mad or committed mass suicide or died in some horrible fashion; you hit the jackpot.
10. The golden rule: Never ever check the back seat of your car.
11. If you happen to be alone in your house on a story night; and you found one of the windows open; despite the fact that you and the viewers are sure as hell that you closed it previously; just close it and go back to bed; I mean; what’s the worse that could happen?
12. Now, if you crossed paths with any exotic looking person (old wise-looking due, a gypsy queen, an Indian American man) who warns you to do, or not to do, something; please do feel free to do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.
13. Please trust old ladies in general; most probably they are the mothers of a mysterious monster; they believe, mostly, that their sons are the hand of God. Which mother doesn’t believe in that anyway?
14. Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be celebrated. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.
15. If your friend turns into a demon; maybe you should just try to talk it over with him or her; it would really help. Don’t you think?
16. Be the person in the group who suggests that you split up; I mean, you’re getting killed anyways, why not bring everyone to the party and let them be killed as well?
17. I love it when I’m part of the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid; that kid always survives; I will probably meet my doom in a horribly gory way.
18. Notice that night time is never over in horror movies; so don’t worry about the dawn; it will never come, or it will, by the end of the movie; when the two white heterosexual couple make it alive and you’re shred to pieces somewhere.
19. Most horror villain characters are famous WWF fighters; so, when you meet them; go ahead and assure them that you saw their last performance on the stage; and by God it was obviously planned.
20. It is much better to run to the top floor of any building when you’re chased by a maniac monster; your only way out will be to jump; dieing of a jump is a better fate that dieing on their hands.
21. It is such a great idea that you check to see if the monster is really dead after it appears to die from a simple bullet wound.
22. Feel free to plan your next vacation to any of the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, The Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine, Steven King already wrote a book about each town in that place anyways.
23. Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience; they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
24. If you’re a beautiful lady, please take a bath at the beginning of the movie; that will guarantee your death.
25. Always watch a horror movie while you’re part of a horror movie; these movies attract monsters from all over the place.
26. Please feel free to announce “Who is there?”. It’s basically a death wish.
27. and finally, if you find Brad Pitt dressed as a vampire, dont forget to forward him my email address!
Raising a Genderless Child: The Syrian perspective
Originally published on Baladna English Edition; on June-5-2-11
A family in Toronto has provoked strong reactions, yet not all negative ones, with their decision not to tell people the gender of their baby. The child, five-month-old with named Storm to add to the confusing, have to deal with both kinds of the spectrum: passionate support to their decision and hostile criticism to their ‘mistake’.
While some experts support the idea of offering children the opportunity to grow up free of gendered expectations, others challenge the notion that such a thing is even possible. These experts are relying on history; which suggests that all kids eventually identify and understand gender, regardless of what their parents do. Other experts, however, are challenging the notion that such a thing is even possible.
The parents say their goal is to promote freedom, choice and a more progressive future, according to news reports.
What that has to do with Syria, you might wonder. This reporter think the provoking such topics can establish a better understanding to the notion of raising a child in any society, regardless of its traditions. This article is not aiming to support or challenge the idea of raising a genderless child; its aim is to study how children are thought to understand gender as a whole.
After all, each generation of parents develops a new set of rules and styles and ways of talking about gender and everything else with their children. Yet, each new crop of kids manages to grow up, form identities, get jobs, marry and procreate on their own and with their own understandings of the world.
So, Storm’s parents are sure to make a statement. But it is far less clear what the effects on the baby’s life will be or even if the experience will affect him or her much at all.
“My guess is that Storm is going to figure out who she or he is pretty much on schedule,” said Jo Paoletti, a University of Maryland fashion historian who explores the relationship between children’s clothing and gender in her upcoming book “Pink and Blue: Telling the Boys from the Girls in America”
Paoletti believes that no matter what parents try to do; a child is going to start wondering about gender and identifying with one over the other by the age of two or three.
“Both people who thought it was terrible and people who were supportive saw the parents as being these really powerful decision-makers who were going to shape their children’s lives,” she said. “I thought, ‘You know, you can shape some of it, but I think we tend to overestimate the range of things we can do.’”
Storm’s parents, Kathy Witteric and David Stoker, are not the first people to try to raise a child free of gender stereotypes. A family in Sweden earned its share of media attention in 2009 when news came out that they were doing the same thing with their two-and-a-half year old child, named Pop.
Both cases illustrate how deeply gender is woven into everything we do, said Naomi Scheman, a professor at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, in the departments of philosophy and Gender, Women & Sexuality Studies. Gender affects the pronouns we use, the bathrooms we choose and the expectations we put on children to be either sweet or tough.
Giving all kids a chance to figure out what gender means might be better than offering them a set of expectations to conform to, added Juana María Rodríguez, a professor in the Gender and Women’s Studies department at the University of California, Berkeley. That would give them a chance to explore a wider range of options for both themselves and others.
Still, Rodríguez said, refusing to reveal a child’s gender is like trying to erase the influence of culture on gender, even though the two are inextricably linked. A better strategy in her mind is for parents to initiate conversations about gender and to expose their children to a wide variety of stories, people, toys and other influences.
“There’s no escape from culture,” Rodríguez said. “What is associated with masculine and feminine is always attached to cultural meaning. But there are ways to escape or try to act outside the gender binary created in this culture where boys are associated with certain colors, styles, practices and behaviors and girls are associated with others.”
Back to Syria, our culture’s approach toward teaching children about gender has changed dramatically over the last century. In the late 19th century, all babies wore white dresses, regardless of sex, and that practice lasted until the late 1950s where fashion played a huge role in creating a tradition boyish looking clothes for young male babies and girlish clothes for young female ones.
Nowadays in Syria, little boys are wearing pants starting as early as when they are six months old, which is a practice that is used to be enforced on boys around the age of three or four years old less than 30 years ago. That development marked a cultural shift from an aversion toward sexualizing young children at all toward a belief that nurture was what mattered most, and that parents were responsible for teaching children everything they needed to know: The only problem with that is that parents in Syria are still teaching the boy everything he needs to know about masculinity while neglecting all kinds of information about femininity. Girls, on the other hand, learn all kinds of information about their own gender, but never about the opposite one.
Think of all those little cowboy-looking boys and princess-looking girls you see on the days of fests and New Year eves.
However, reactions from Syrian women towards this story were not favorable.
Lina, 22 year-old economic student, believes that while the idea is interesting, she is opposing it. “I may connect to what the parents are feeling that their child should be raised in the most free way possible of which they can raise it,” she says, “but as for the child; I believe it is going to be one of his/her toughest moments in life when he/she realizes that his/her parents used him/her just to prove something and then this child will be having to face the toughest decision that will rule his/her whole life at a very young age.”
“I really feel bad for this child,” she adds.
Laila, 27-year-old, is strongly against the idea as well. “Personally I disagree with the idea as I think this child will grow up never knowing their gender identity which means that they won’t know their sexual orientation,” she says, “it will be a lost Person. At the very least, this baby should know the scientific information if there are male or female. The family already jailed the baby’s freedom by naming it Storm.”
Finally, Brent Edwards, an American writer, replied to a quest for an opinion on this article over Twitter: His reply was simple, yet meaningful: “It’s possible to raise a genderless child. It’s tougher to raise a gendered child as if s/he were genderless.”
Banning Lady GaGa from Lebanon and the culture of refusal
Originally written for Damascusian
The Arab world and its reactions to poplar Western figures across the globe have reached that point with me where it really doesn’t surprise me anymore. I mean; some of the shit I heard and witnessed all through my adult years about public and pop culture figures is too many to mention. Yet, when I heard about banning Lady Gaga’s latest album Born This Way in Lebanon; all I could think of is What The Fuck?!
Why, yes, of course you can believe that Madonna is Muslim because she pointed out in one of her songs that she is neither a Christian nor a Jew. Is there any other religion anyway? Surely you can allow a movie like ‘Devil’s Advocate’ to screen in Egypt for two weeks before you realize that, holy crap, Al Pacino is playing Satan himself in the movie; let’s delete half of the film and rescreen it to public who, by now, already saw the whole damn thing. Prince of Egypt is, surely, insulting and deserves to be condemned by some Egyptian authorities who, for a while, wanted to sue Disney (who sues Disney?! That’s like suing Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck) for destroying the image of the historical events in Egypt.
All these examples are valid and interesting; but what always drives me up the wall is the simple act of banning something: Banning any art form from entering a country as a whole is the ultimate insult for all artists across the globe. Refusing a certain expression of an art, regardless of how much we agree or disagree with, is limiting the whole concept of freedom of expression; banning someone from doing what they love is basically a lockdown on the freedom of each and every free thinker in the world; by banning Lady Gaga’s album for religious reasons; they are basically saying to all Lebanese artists that doing a leap out of the norms in their art might end up with them being banned as well.
What amazed me to the most is that some free thinker friends of mine are cheering to the ban based on the same religious aspect to it all: They are being so anti-acceptance, in my opinion.
Firstly; she is just a singer; a single singer who is not comparable to anyone’s beliefs. If someone is weak enough to refuse her because of his/her religious reasons; it actually says to me how weak their belief in their own religion is. A religious belief is based on a real connection between an entity that is called God/Allah/Jesus/Buddha and the human itself; this real connection is not that real actually if it was shaken by a simple act as hearing a song by Lady GaGa.
Also, by applying the same logic; religious beliefs should be taken as a whole or refused as an entity. You can’t pick and choose which are working for you and which are not. By condemning Gaga for a song; you’re accepting a religious belief that also can condemn you for certain aspects of your own lifestyle.
I might be mistaken; but I refuse to believe in something as pure as religion without taking in consideration all of its aspects, orders and practices. When I’m convinced with all of its rituals I can call myself a follower; or else; I should accept that this religion, whichever religion it might be, might be mistaken in certain views; and I refuse to be connected to God by a link that is uncertain as a whole.
I don’t care about the current stand the Lebanese government is taking towards Lady Gaga; simply because I don’t and I don’t need to reason that; I just refuse the concept of banning and refusal as a whole; Let the fucking album be; who cares if it was sold or not; believers won’t buy it; little monsters would; other people will just not care about it. By creating this hype; you’re condemning yourself to look stupid and enforcing a silly stereotype upon the Arab world once again.
Finally, would you please check gossip websites and stop whispering to each other that Lady Gaga has a cock! That piece of news is so last year.
I refuse labels
Originally published, with this photo, on Baladna English daily newspaper on 01-June-2011
She could always talk me into going to that bar, and like always, we are sitting in it. It is such a small bar in Bab Toma; it is old and tiny, almost claustrophobic at times. Yet, with her I feel the place to be as open as the sky. “I refuse labels,” she told me late at night after a long session of gossip and drinking. “I am who I am and I live the way I want to live. The society’s point of view might be valid, but it’s pointless to me. I will not be labeled.”
She relaxes back on her chair and laughs.
My friend, who will remain anonymous in this article, has peculiar views of life. “I refuse to be labeled a virgin, for example,” she says loudly enough for anyone in the bar to hear. “I refuse to be considered even straight. I’m a queer person; I have feelings towards human beings and the gender of the object of my affection is pointless to me.”
She had, in her 29 years of life, three relationships; one with a man and two with women; she doesn’t find that odd or unusual. “I am a person who falls in love with personality and state of mind; I am not a person who cares about physical relationships but rather feel extremely free to love who I love.” She looks away towards a couple sitting on a table in the corner and stares at them for a moment. “Look at these two people,” she says. “I don’t mind being loved by either of them; as long as they are honest about their feelings towards me.”
She would not consider herself bisexual; she finds that to be offensive. “I know I am considered a freak of nature to friends and family members; a bisexual woman who just goes on in her life fighting for her place in a society that refuses her as a human being; but both being freaky and bisexual are labels that I refuse. I have confidence in myself and I know that I’m on the right path in my life.”
She looks away for a second and smiles before adding: “I’m happy that way; what more a person can I ask for?!”
Syrian society is a big fan of labeling people according to many terms; to be stereotyped according to your religious beliefs, your sexual orientation, your personal flaws, your weight and your skin color is something that Syrian people see no harm in. The act, however, is considered in other societies to be discriminative and frowned upon. This attitude towards many minorities among the Syrian community has different reactions, one of which is that a very small -yet significant- number of people refuse these labels as a whole.
Jo, a 23-year-old employee in a consultant company, is another label-rebel. “My mother would be so proud of me if I only dropped five more kilos,” she says. “It pisses me off! It makes me so angry! Not because she thinks I don’t have the perfect body, but because I feel as if my mom wants me to be a super-perfect figure just so she can show off. It’s as if I were a piece of furniture that she owns. Every time I hear my mom saying this, I feel that I don’t own my body.”
Her mother’s attitude makes her want to disregard labeling based on body figures or weight loss; “It is not only my mother who wants her daughter to look perfect. So many parents bug their daughters to have the ‘perfect’ body,” she adds.
Jo constantly sees video clips, commercials and billboards convincing the public how important it is for girls to have perfect bodies in order to get what they desire. “It’s as if chubby girls and boys cannot ever get what they want unless they meet with the advertisement requirement: a ‘perfect’ figure,” she says. “What is even worse; the fashion industry has adopted the skinny and boned body as role model! Walk down the mall! Try to find a great dress or jeans that fit a 70-kilo girl. They don’t even look nice on her, because the fabulous fashion designers can’t even imagine any other body type or size that is different from that of the precious ‘perfect’ body.”
Jo believes that loving your body starts from inside out. “Realize the beauty inside you!” she says excitedly. “We own this body in all kind of meanings. We have the full right to look the way we want. We have the full right to use it the way we want. Family, friends, partners, neighbors or society don’t own your body. We do not need a signature from the rest of the world to assure us that we own our bodies.”
Jo refuses the labels fat and fit; she only looks at herself in the mirror while thinking of other labels: sexy, fabulous and perfect.
How hard it is to accept oneself, though? That question might be the most important of them all. Labeling yourself with downgrading and unappreciative labels is the most self-destructive attitude any expert can think of. It’s a struggle that Michael, a 28-year-old writer, faces. “I used to believe that I was wrong in so many ways. I believe in God but I don’t like labels such as Christian or Muslim; I’m a spiritual believer,” he says while we are having dinner in Narinj, a restaurant in the old city overlooking a beautiful church. “I see the positive energy in places of worship such as churches and mosques. I feel it when I pass by them; beautifully engraved positive energy that overwhelms me every time. So, I have respect for those who follow the religion,” he explains. “Yet, I don’t feel that I want to have a person standing between me and my God; I want my connection between God to be direct and pure.”
Michael faces many labels and stereotypes in his life. “I have been called an atheist and agnostic by friends and family members; I have been called a retard by my father for my views,” he says while his eyes are gazing into the beautiful sunset projected on the church walls. “For a long time, I believed these labels and I enforced them on myself. Now, however, I refuse these labels: what I believe is nobody’s business. It’s a relationship between me and my God and I refuse to let anyone stand in between.”
Who should pick up the Bill on first dates?
Originally published on Baladna English on May 29, 2011.
While writing this article; I probably am opening up a can of worms to a classic debate. It’s a tough question because it brings up all sorts of issues on equality, feminism, and independence. Yet, many women and men go on dates and plenty of them stare confusingly to the bill at the end of the date wondering what the right attitude should be.
“Oh, please let chivalry live forever!” says Amal, 26, who believes in dating and sees the opportunity to dine on the expense of the man in a favorable light, “the guy always have to pay the check. However, I’d always leave the tip. It’s the guy’s job to be the provider, but there’s no such thing as a free lunch for the girl, either. Not exactly fair, and certainly antifeminist, but I’m not sure if I care; sometimes a woman needs to feel special and this is one of the way a man can provide that.”
Ahmed, 31, who works in an insurance company, seems to agree. “No matter how expensive or inexpensive the place is, if you ask the girl out you should pay for it,” he says.
“Now, if the girl is offended by that then subtract her portion but you pay the tip and tax and round down her portion,” he adds, with a gentleman’s smile on his face, “if it is not asking her out then it’s ok to split the bill unless she hints this is a sort of a date in which case you pick up the bill.”
Mariam, who is happily married for the last four years, explains that, “When I was dating, my policy was that I wouldn’t date someone again if they expected me to pay. Period. No exceptions.”
Fast forward four years and Mariam is happily married to what she called “a great guy who still pays for our dates. I make more money than him, which goes into a joint bank account, but he’s got a more interesting job and takes me traveling with him. I cook for him; he fixes things around the house.”
Mariam adds that “I don’t want “equality” – I want a happy relationship, which is what I have.”
This opinion, while is considered to take over the majority of views in Syria, a new wave of independence pride taking over some of the females of the new generation.
Salma, 24-year-old student, explains that “I expect to pay my share on a date,” yet she points out that she wouldn’t mind it if the guy insisted on paying on the first date. “It is such a good sign when a guy offers to pay. When it’s a first date, it shows they’re really interested in me romantically, not just as friends. After that, I like taking turns paying.”
“Sure, you could always split the bill, but I think it’s more fun to treat,” Salma adds.
Amal, a 27-year-old employee, agrees. “I don’t think that the guy should always be the one to pay,” she says, “I prefer to pay for my own meal and will say so before we even go out. I have taken my wallet out numerous times and I paid.”
Amany, a 21-year-old university student, has her opinion to say too. “I think it’s sweet if the guy wants to pay, but I would never expect it,” she points out, “and I will always offer to pay my share. It’s not just about being independent, though that’s a part of it. I don’t want to get into a situation where there are weird expectations.”
“I would be really uncomfortable always letting a guy pay for everything,” she adds, “because I would worry that he would start feeling like I was a burden or couldn’t afford to pull my own weight.”
Nancy has an interesting point of view. “Since I’m 26, I’m in the midst of getting set up and too many bad first dates,” she explains, “my personal rule of thumb is that whoever asks is who pays. If a guy were to ask me out, I would let him pay. If I were to ask him out, I will be paying. If it turns out to be more than one date, I try to pay every other time. It all evens out, in my mind.”
Nancy rarely asks some guy out, but she nonetheless done it once before; she explains that it was an odd date. “When I asked a guy out, he started acting all weird on the date; thinking that by asking him; I’m giving him an authorization to violet my space and my personal life,” she explains, “it’s my fault, actually. I shouldn’t trust guys here and I should know how to play smart to get them to ask me out.”
Amjad, 31, who is single and ‘looking’, says that “the guy ends up paying more than 80% of the time when going out anyways.”
“A woman who expects a guy to pay for everything is simply unreasonable in this day and age,” he says, “People should pay because they want to, not because they feel they have to and it is that obligation and expectation that can seriously ruin an otherwise good relationship.”
Amjad gives an example of a woman he dated for 2.5 months and where she expected him to pick up everything, tip included, when going out. “At first it didn’t bother me but by the second month it set off alarm bells and I felt that since she had money as well, she could also afford to treat me,” he explains, “the breaking point was one date where we were supposed to go to a show at her invite and where she expected me to take her to dinner beforehand and pay for it!”
Four types of girls who are never going to be ‘The One’
Originally published on Baladna English 23-May-2011
We talked yesterday about the four types of men who are never going to be able to settle down in a relationship unless some major changes in their attitude take place. Being a big fan of gender equality, today’s article is about the four types of women who need similar changes in their lives if they want to find Mr. Right.
So if you, ladies, find yourself to be falling into one of the following categories, you don’t need to worry too much about it. These changes are simply made the minute you’re aware of the symptoms. You might be, also, unaware that you’re a die-hard bachelorette; so, dig deep into your character and you might find some demons to fight.
The drama queen
This bachelorette is characterized as an overly dramatic person: someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal and someone who blows things way out of proportion whenever the chance is given. “I don’t blow things way out of proportion, how dare you say that?” Mariam, 27, says in fury. “I am not a drama queen; I just like to make sure everything goes right and I’m willing to fight for it until the end.” Mariam tells stories of fights she had before with a man who asked her out on a date: “Oh my god! He copied some of his university projects from someone without giving the other person credit! That is just mean. He was horrible,” Mariam explains. “I went out and told everyone what a cruel person he was.”
Now, as far as we know the phrase, drama queen applies to both men and women. Researching for this article I also came across the phrase ‘drama king’, but that is in much less common usage. The real question really is why people create such drama in their lives.
Of course a person who seems to be behaving as a drama queen can be genuinely in trouble, in which case we must support and help him/her if and as appropriate. Putting aside any underlying medical causes or genuine reasons, here are the reasons why a person may create so much drama in his/her life: boredom, seeking sympathy, manipulation of others and seeking attention. There you are – knowing what makes a drama queen tick enables you to see how you can help him/her let go of some of the underlying causes. To be able to get over this phase in your life so you could have a healthy relationship soon, you need to understand the causes behind your attitude instead of treating the symptoms.
The emotional rollercoaster
One of the best places to see how we’re handling our emotions — or how they’re handling us — is in our most intimate relationships. This bachelorette has a problem with handling her emotions. She cries for the smallest thing and falls in love on first dates. “I don’t know why, I can’t content my emotions at all; I think I feel that some of my friends –and dates– feel awkward around me,” says Salma, 29, who thinks that she has her heart on her sleeve. “I fall in love and out of love easily, that’s not healthy, right? Right?” she says, on the verge of crying.
Once emotion bursts out and overflows, all bets are off. We get caught in its momentum and abandon all reason. We may often say or do things we’ll regret, so we end up fearful of our emotions. If we feel anger rising up toward our partner, for example, we might panic and try to shut it down or get rid of it. In that case, we might turn the anger in on ourselves or let it loose on an innocent target — a co-worker, a child, or the family pet. Or we might be successful in keeping our angry mind quiet for a few weeks, then blow up one day for no apparent reason. This is one of the unhealthiest things a woman can do in a relationship; it might make her feel inferior to the other part; might make her feel that she has no power anymore. Experts think that the best way to handle these emotions is to reason with yourself before reasoning with the other. Try to understand your emotions and don’t be afraid of them; by training yourself to know what the emotion is you’re experiencing and what the right respond to it should be, you would be able to stop riding the emotional rollercoaster.
The hot mess
Someone suggested that this section should be titled ‘The blondes’, but honestly, there are amazing women with blonde hair out there and they are smart, educated and lovely. So, this is for the women who are acting shallowly, partying every night and hold no worry in the world. The hot mess is the best friend of yesterday’s partier; the two of them are seen together in parties, hanging around every night or dancing in a corner; they both need a change in life to be able to settle down before it’s too late.
Suzan, for example, would never be seen in daylight and rather considers herself a creature of the night. She, also, won’t be caught dead without her soirée dress and full make up. “I’m 25 and I should not waste a single moment,” Suzan says. “I won’t be beautiful and capable of partying forever.”
However, Suzan has a huge problem: she finds herself to be seriously alone. “I’m sad and lonely, but not alone,” she explains. “I’m surrounded by all these beautiful party people, but I don’t feel there is a single emotional connection to any of them. I don’t trust them and I’m not sure I love them.”
“I love to party with them, though,” she adds.
This feeling of loneliness is understandable and the only way for the party girl to get over it is to spend more time developing personal relations with her friends and less time partying. There is no harm in a nice fun party ever y now and again, but maybe some time to develop actual friendships can help her practice meaningful life with others, which will help her know the right guy and becoming the right girl.
The successful businesswoman
If you’re a career-oriented, successful woman, you’re on the right track; there is nothing wrong with you whatsoever. But men generally, and not all of them, are afraid of a strong smart woman who are able of having more power in the household that they possess. “I don’t want to date anyone because they all are afraid of me,” says Dina, 31, who owns her own advertisement company. “I feel that they are looking at me like a weird creature with too much power; they are afraid of me.”
Again, you shouldn’t change yourself for the acceptance of men; you just need to find the right male. Under this falls either a man who is open-minded and smart enough to accept his mate’s success, or a man who is equally successful. You’re amazing, keep it up.
Four types of guys who are never going to be “the one”
Inspired by a Lifestyle item on Yahoo! news and published on Baladna English on 22-May-2011
For some reason, female friends seem to entrust me with their deepest and darkest dating secrets and stories. I became well aware of the types of guys girls fall for; they who think that they are ‘the one’ turn out to be anything but Mr. Right. We all know this guy — or are this guy: in his 20s or 30s, affable, attractive and yet he’s never been in a serious long-term relationship. And as his single status stretches into a third decade, one has to wonder: what’s the deal? Far from being not dateable, this guy may simply not be ready to change his independent ways. Or, he may be all too willing to do so — but something’s blocking him.
If you feel you may fall into the latter category (or know someone who does), stop worrying about what’s slowing you down and read on to learn about how four types of die-hard bachelors contribute to their perpetual ‘single’ status and which steps to take to break the cycle.
The workaholic
For the guy who makes work priority number one, a relationship can seem like a hindrance for which he hasn’t the time or energy. It’s likely that he’s set lofty career goals for himself — perhaps finishing medical school or starting his own business — with personal deadlines (say, by age 35). Take it from Bassem, 31, who is an admitted workaholic: “My main focus is getting to a point in my career where I am stable and have accomplished enough to move on to a job that I really want to do,” he says. “I can’t sacrifice or compromise my career path for anyone yet.”
If you’re like Bassem, you should know that waiting for the “right time” isn’t the solution. You need to understand that life doesn’t start when you schedule it. And it needn’t be a lonely climb to the top: rather than derailing you career, a supportive mate could provide stability, encouragement and an attentive ear. And for the guy who is working to become husband material, consider this: 91 percent of women in a Match.com survey reported that they tend to fall in love with a moderately successful career person with a balanced life rather than a very successful workaholic.
The partier
For this guy, weekends in Beirut and hitting up the newest parties and clubs have too much appeal to entertain the possibility of settling down. Self-described “committed bachelor” Ahmed who is 30 year-old says: “I go out to have a good time — mingle, dance and have fun — and not to meet someone.”
Yet, as Ahmed and all the other Ahmeds of the world mature, these men may notice that their party-hearty peers are becoming fewer in number or that the average age of their social circle — and of his dates — remains constant as he ages. Another warning sign? More numbers in his cell phone of ‘friends with benefits’ than those belonging to actual friends. The bottom line is; for all the fun of casual encounters and late nights out, a partier would do well to understand that a committed relationship has its own joys, too — even excitement and novelty. So, don’t be an adrenaline junkie out of fear that a commitment to one person will be no fun. Really getting to know one person in a relationship can be a source of passion and adrenaline, too.
The shy guy
It’s a fact: meeting women requires conversation, which can be problematic for a shy guy and can stunt his relationship prospects. “I go out with the express purpose of meeting people, but I hardly ever scrape up enough courage to talk to strangers,” admits Alex, 31, while sitting in a café in Mezzah. “Even if I do, I wuss out and leave before I get anywhere.”
Rather than forcing social behavior in a high-stress situation, like at a loud nightclub, shy guys may be better off searching for potential mates who share the same affinities. You should put yourself in situations that present opportunities for easy conversation. Experts suggest theater clubs, team sports or anything else with expectations for regular participation, like volunteering. Or, if you do start dating someone, suggest making it a double date or an activity date, thereby reducing the pressure of a one-on-one outing.
The too-picky guy
For all his many, many first dates, this guy is resolutely single, never having met anyone who quite fits his mold for the ideal mate. He is convinced that there is someone out there and is alternately determined to find ‘The One’, or frustrated by his inability to do so. Says 30-year-old Ramy: “It’s impossible for me to compromise. I can’t settle for someone who doesn’t attract me physically, emotionally, intellectually and so on.” Compounding this inability to compromise is the belief that perfection in another personal really exists — a notion that could lend itself to fantasies of discovering love at first sight. A guy with impossibly high standards may fall for someone, but then he’ll see this person’s flaws and imperfections and become disappointed. Unfortunately, this can lead to discounting potentially great matches, as the picky guy may be unwilling to give a date with, say, a tendency to use emoticons in emails or ‘too short’ hair a chance.
What these guys need to accept is that no one’s perfect — and include themselves in that statement. And, according to an expert’s opinion: “There is no such thing as a soul mate; rather, it’s the journey of building a great relationship over time that leads to a ‘soul mate’-type of closeness.” So the next time you’re iffy about a girl, give her more of a chance before you write her off.
Now, stay tuned for tomorrow’s ‘Four types of girls who are never going to be the one’ edition.
For the love of TV: What TV show survived the summer cuts?
Originally published on Baladna English on 17th of May 2011.
The end of the American TV season is upon us; each year around the mid of May, beloved TV series face a challenge that some mange to overcome whiles others basically fall: Would they make it to yet another season, or is it the end of the trip for them?
Based on quality and viewers ratings; American TV executives have to decide whether to allow a certain TV show to continue its airtime or not! The executives base their decisions on multiple accounts: How many people are watching the TV series? How good the plotlines and the stories told on that series are, and most importantly, how much advertisers are interested in buying TV spots to air ads about their products during this TV series. Based on these elements; some TV series keep their spot for yet another season, while others are dropped from the schedule and replaced by new TV series all together.
This year is no difference: many TV series has been canceled and not renewed for a new season while others were considered a success and are expected to come back in the Fall season of 2011.
Famous TV series and Musical Glee has been one of the easiest decisions this year for those executives: The hit TV series was renewed for season three even before the current season two began shooting. Back in May 2010, Fox, the channel producing the TV series, announced that they are not only ordering the making of season two of the series, but also of season three. Obviously, people would not “stop believing” in the power of Glee anytime soon.
Medical drama fans: rejoice! Grey’s Anatomy, and its spin-off Private Practice has both been renewed for another season; which would be season eight for Grey’s and season five for Private Practice.
House M.D., the TV series following the ups and downs of genius (yet seriously mean) Dr. House, is renewed as well for an eighth season. The series was under the spotlight during season six and it was expected to be canceled after this season; but the creative team behind the series managed to bring back interest in the show and viewers went back to watch their favorite doctor doing his magic.
Those in love with Humor Simpsons and his eccentric family are happy to know that The Simpsons are renewed for yet another season; next year’s season would be the animated sitcom’s 23rd season, which means the show will reach 500 episodes. In 2009, The Simpsons was recognized by Guinness World Records as the world’s longest running sitcom.
After a long period of uncertainty regards the TV sitcom Two and a Half Men after actor Charlie Sheen announcement back in February 2010 that he was entering drug rehabilitation which extended to a long struggle to keep the show working for the last year; the show has been saved by actor Ashton Kutcher who would replace Sheen as the main character and push Two and Half Men towards a ninth season airing next year.
The Office might not be starring funnyman Steve Carell anymore but the show most go on. Will Farrell steps in to take over the main role as the crazy office manager mingling in all of his employees lives and the show season eight will start airing in the fall.
How I met Your Mother is one of the luckiest shows on TV at the moment; as it was not renewed for only one season, but for two. The comedy will air its seventh season in the 2011-2012 period and follows it with its eighth season in 2012-2013. Would we get to know, finally, how the main character Ted Mosby met the mother of his children? The future can only tell.
Fans’ favorite The Vampire Diaries is naturally renewed for a third season next year. The supernatural drama is considered a big success over the last two seasons especially that its pilot episode attracted the largest audience of any series premiere since the network began in 2006.[2] The first season averaged 3.60 million viewers.[3] The show initially received average reviews, but critics agreed that the series improved over the course of the season; the second season premiered to generally favorable reviews.
Many shows are not decided upon yet, but these following shows are sure to come back for a new season: Desperate Housewives, Criminal Minds, CSI, Mike & Molly, NCIS: LA, The Mentalist, Law &Order: SVU and Hawaii 5-0.
ABC has canceled fans’ favorite Brothers & Sisters among their list of cancelation, which included Detroit 1-8-7, No Ordinary Family, Off the Map and V. If you count the shows canceled earlier in the season, the network has canceled 8 dramas in all this season.
Other shows that has been canceled are My Generation, The Whole Truth, Medium, Life Unexpected, Running Wilde, Lone Star, The Good Guys, Smallville and The Paul Reiser Show.
